Wednesday – August 4th — marked the two year anniversary of our baby boy’s passing. I chose to wait until today to reflect on my feelings regarding this milestone, as I wanted to be able to soak everything in and process it before I sat down to write. Thankfully, his anniversary came and went rather peacefully, as opposed to the August 4th of two years prior. I usually don’t speak too much of this tragic event in our lives, as I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. But truth be told, I am okay discussing the events leading up to and marking this now meaningful date. On August 5, 2008, I joined an online support group composed of women who have lived similar experiences to my own and found much comfort and solace in our shared experiences. Hence, I found my outlet for speaking about and grieving for our little boy.
This year’s anniversary was different from last year’s in that it also included Clara. Last August 4th, I was pregnant with my little miracle baby, but this August 4th was spent taking care of Clara, bringing her to swim class and taking a float in our own backyard pool. As I went about my daily activities, I found myself feeling more pensive than usual. I knew I had to go about my day-to-day routine, but I realized that I wasn’t my usual talkative, crazed self. I also felt compelled to actually “live” in the moments of the day, without letting it pass by like every other. So, I took more time to just breath in the summer air and enjoy the scenery while out in the pool and relish in the moments I shared with Clara: Giggling while she played with my face and hair, smiling at me when she awoke from her afternoon nap, splish splashing so much in the pool that her face and hair were soaked within minutes; moments so very different from those of the August 4th of two years past.
Lately, I’ve been trying my best to really enjoy my life. I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful and caring husband, a comfortable place to live, understanding and supportive friends and family and a job that allows me to spend more time with my daughter than away from her. Sure, Taylor and I have had our challenges — and losing our son was just one of them. However, one of the things that makes our relationship so special is that has grown stronger because of our perseverance. We have been tested (in more ways than one) and know that we really can endure great pain. Unfortunately, we have learned that it is loss that shows one how much there really is to live for. It is loss that forces you to face the most vulnerable part of yourself as you strive to overcome pain and move on. It is loss that gives you the strength to try something again, as you really can’t imagine things getting much worse. Over the past 11 years, we have lost many things and people who were dear to us, but at the end of the day, we try our best to focus on the positive — on what we still do have — and move forward.
So, as the day wound down to a close, and the anniversary of our son’s passing had not been mentioned by either Taylor or myself, I took the opportunity to “remind” Taylor of the date. When I asked him if he knew what day it was, he replied, “”August 4th.” I then followed up his reply with, “Do you remember what happened on August 4th, two years ago?” His reply: “Yes. That was the day that Clara became an option.” After processing his reply, I responded with, “That was the day that Clara became a possibility.” We always knew that Clara was a special little girl, seeing as she is our rainbow baby. And, every time I look at her, I am reminded of the little boy who sits watching all of us from above. However, I was pleasantly surprised by Taylor’s reply. To him, August 4th is not an anniversary of loss, but of all the things that this terrible occurence allowed us to find – strength, courage, love, hope, a renewed spirit and the blessing of another child.
Today is August 6th and tomorrow will be August 7th. And as with each day before, I will remember my little boy and the wonderful gifts that his passing bestowed upon us. Rest in peace, baby boy Henshall. Your Mommy, Daddy and baby sister love you and miss you very much…
Filed under: Our Son
You put in words things and events most people can feel but not express. Beautiful thoughts, attitudes and feelings. Clara is living proof that she was really wanted and is loved. And your little boy is proud of both of you.
That’s beautiful, Jenn. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m inspired by the way you and Taylor have handled it.
Jenn, I just got chills reading that last paragraph. I’ve had you on my mind lately, and have been sending you positive vibes.
I’m so thrilled you’re doing so well, and dealing with such a grave loss in such a healthy and inspiring way. You inspire me every day, truly.
Can’t wait to have our lunch date!
Thank you for the comments, Joanie and Julie. Writing this post really helped me get through what could have been a tough day/week. Jotting down your thoughts is such a release.